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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

365 Days ago...

The past couple of days have brought me to a point of reflection, not dwelling but reflecting. 365 Days ago there was an incident that makes today an anniversary.... Not one filled with laughter and good times, but one that was scary and treacherous and one I never want to go through again.

Last year on this day we went in for a series of routine procedures to "check" on what was going on internally with Hayden when there was an "equipment malfunction" and we became another statistic. You see we are where we are today, because of "surgical side effects" from 7 years ago....

He looked at me and asked me if he was going to die. My auto-pilot told him NO immediately, but my heart and my brain were screaming inside of me that I didn't know!

It was a 1 in 100+ case statistic that what actually happened - would happen, so how could they say for sure that he wouldn't. And no lie, I had a customer in my Mary Kay days who actually did die from a ruptured esophagus....try getting that nugget of info out of your brain when a doctor comes out and tells you that they have just "perforated" the first layer - possibly the second layer of your son's esophagus.

The days that followed were horrible, scary, emotionally draining and filled with so many questions. I can still "feel" what I felt that day. I don't like it....

This past week I have been thinking about how that experience changed us, altered us a little bit more. How it added one more sentence in our "definition". I was so angry with God for allowing something more to happen to this sweet boy, and I was terrified to say it out loud. My belief in our doctors was so shattered, and I was once again completely helpless in protecting my son. How it took a significant amount of time for Hayden to fully recover - emotionally and some days I think he hasn't. I have been remembering how scared I was and how it doesn't matter how much education a Doctor has behind him, he isn't perfect. He doesn't know everything...he knows a whole hell of a lot, but not everything.

And most ironically, we continue to live "behind the curtain". The curtain that we are "fine"...that everything is OK. I don't like pity and I don't like the feeling of the whispered...did you hear what happened??? Sometimes I peak from behind the curtain and share my real feelings about our situation but I always feel that it is hard to relate to our circumstances and therefor people don't get it. After all, he looks just like every other boy his age.

My guy has been home with me for the past several days with a case of the Chicken Pox and the Croup. He didn't remember what today was, and I didn't feel the need to remind him. He is such an amazing kid, his stamina and strength are unbelievable! He doesn't need to be brought back to that day...I don't really want to be here myself.

If I could blow out a candle today and make a wish for him, I would wish that he never have to go through any of this. That tomorrow he could wake up and never have to deal with daily struggles again.

365 days from today, I hope that I can not remember exactly how I felt 365 days ago.

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